3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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