I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
