Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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