Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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