I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
