I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
