My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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