Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
