Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
