she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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