It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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