Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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