I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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