Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
