Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
