my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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