My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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