shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
