DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
