Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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