When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
