so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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