birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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