I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
