I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
