Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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