Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
