we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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