i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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