some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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