So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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