How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
