Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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