the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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