i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
