Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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