I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
