If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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