Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
