GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
