now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
