ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
