I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
