I think i peed on brittanys purse
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
