All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
