I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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