she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
