so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
