just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
