Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
