went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Vodka?
Forever.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
