I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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